Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
