It's like a parade of train wrecks.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
