did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
