I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
