so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
