I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize