First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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