Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
