U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
