i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
