Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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