Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
