Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
