i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
