so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize