we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
