We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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