Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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