the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
