I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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