I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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