I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
