It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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