can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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