And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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