Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
