I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
