Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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