i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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