I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
