Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
