Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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