I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
They are going to name an STD after you.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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