i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
