You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
