things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
