plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
