I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
