Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
