You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
