I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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