I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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