I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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