this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
