Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
