the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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