We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
