My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
