I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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