My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
