someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
