i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
