I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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