First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
