If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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