the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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