I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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