I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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